4-22-2014

Didn’t post yesterday, whoops.
I like to think I’m a good person. A leveled headed person who doesn’t jump to conclusions, but when someone is supposedly one of your closest friends and they never message you or seem like they care to talk to you I start to become this type of person that does jump to conclusions and wonder what the hell did I do. :| 
Aside from that, I got a lot done today. I got to 48 on my Summoner, so close to 50 that I can taste it and I absolutely can’t wait! I want to start gearing and working on my professions! I did my laundry, minus my jeans because I couldn’t justify a load for only two pairs of jeans.. I set up my work space for my crafting and I plan to start on a lot of that tomorrow, after therapy I think. 
On that subject, I have a ton to talk about with Heather tomorrow, I bet she’ll be shocked at the drastic turn of events, but I’m just excited. I’m excited to have a place of my own with just me and Bijou. I’m excited to decorate my apartment. I’m even excited to get actual books instead of using adobe reader and I want to make some friends! Maybe even join a club!! Cook for myself, clean, just relax. I need to check on tulip care because I’d love to have some on my balcony! 
For the first time in years I’m excited for life and I’m looking forward to it and it’s no thanks to anyone but myself. I overcame my hardships and I lead my own path out of the darkness and I’m fucking proud of myself.

tagged: +personal  +4-22-2014 
4-20-2014 : Easter

I’m sleeping horribly. Last night I woke up what felt like every five minutes, tossed and turned, had weird dreams. Every time I woke up I was wide awake, made getting back to sleep hard so I often would get up and do something until I was too tired again.

I’m exhausted, cramping, and I have a migraine that could kill, but my Easter was okay other than that. I went on a walk with Briley until my headache got the best of me, had an awesome Easter dinner with my parents and I got to level 47 on my Summoner.

Today, and I chalk all of this up to how awful I feel, everything got on my last nerve. People ignoring me, always being too busy, being passive aggressive. Like, holy crap, if I did something to piss any of my friends off please tell me. I’m a big girl, I can handle it. Don’t ignore me and constantly say that you’re busy or whatever. It’s crappy and upsetting.

I hope that I feel better tomorrow. I’ll finish my paper for my Cultural Diversity class then, I don’t feel like it tonight and I really don’t care that it’s going to be late. I’ve half-assed the class so far and made A’s without reading anything. I’m glad it’s a field that I already know lots about.

But anyway, goodnight.

tagged: +personal  +4-20-2014 
4-19-2014

First post!

So much has happened these past few weeks.  So much and I have no idea of where to start.  

I guess I’ll start with two weeks ago, Cameron came to visit me and stay for the past two weeks, having dropped him off at the airport yesterday so that he can go home.  We had a lot of fun, but having someone around consistently can be really exhausting.  Although, I find everything to be really quiet today.  I miss him being around, even though it tired me out a lot to be around people and going to do things a lot, I miss it a lot.

Big news, though, I’m giving up art or rather Illustration as a profession.  I’m switching colleges to one that’s near by, so going to school in person… really nervous about it, but I think it’s a positive move to getting fully recovered from my agoraphobia and social anxieties.  I’m switching my major to business with an emphasis on fashion.  This may be a shock to some people, but my close friends would know I have an eye and a love for all things fashion.

Something that I realized is me wanting to be an artist came from wanting to please my mom.  I’ve always wanted her approval and gone after it when I could.  I grew up watching her paint with pastels and draw, take classes and such, so naturally I followed in suite and did exactly what she did.  She confided in me the day she bought me my drawing tablet that she had always wanted to be an Illustrator, so I decided to be one and she was so happy/supportive of it.  Drawing became a chore, a hassle, it was no longer the venting system or fun hobby that I used to have before I knew I was going to be doing it all for money.  I dreaded my art classes and I dreaded even sketching, it was awful.  So now with my new degree decided and a bright couple months ahead of me, I’m actually really excited.  I’m excited, nervous, scared and I can’t stop thinking about it, but I think all of these things are good things.  We’ll see.

I’m applying to colleges in the towns over, I’m looking at one that’s only 30 minutes away.  This way I could drive home for dinner if I felt like it, but I’d still get my own place.  My own place, my OWN home.  My own little space, that’s all mine and that I share with my pup Bijou.  That’s something that I can’t wait for, I want my own space.  I need out of my parents house and I just can’t wait.

Sad news, my grandma might die soon.  I know that seems blunt, but I really don’t know how else to say and and I feel bad about it.  I feel bad because I feel like I should be more sad, like I should care more, but it’s really hard to.  She’s become so mean and vile, so toxic as she turns my family against one another and with how she instigates so much fighting.  I know a lot of it can be chalked up to her diseases, but it doesn’t change how I feel.  Still, I spent a chunk of my childhood at her house, I’ll be sad when she passes and I will miss how she was when I was younger.

Easter is tomorrow and we’re having the works.  Ham, mashed potatoes and all that great stuff.  I’m excited because Easter is always happy at my home, my mom loves it and my dad always seem brighter, though my mom did give me my Easter basket a day early.  Yes, I’m 20 and she still hides an Easter basket, it’s fun go away…  She gave me a Bambi shirt(THAT’S TOTALLY PRECIOUS)and she got me the Frozen movie, plus lots of candy.  Gotta love it.

That’s all I can think of to say today, I think I’m going to try to post on this daily, that’s what I was advised to do.  So ye.

tagged: +personal  +4-19-2014